My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
