What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
