i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
