I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
