Im at strip club and am horny
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
