got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
