When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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