she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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