Ketchup is God's man juice
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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