i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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