1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
