I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
