Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
