She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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