Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
