I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
