Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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