The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
