I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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