I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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