I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
MIDGETS
????
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
