Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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