I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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