omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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