i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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