wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You dont lie about slip and slides
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
