i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
