I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
