Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
