everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
