Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
