guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
