I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
