After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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