There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
