put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
