How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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