Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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