my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
