im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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