Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
