Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
