I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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