I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
