That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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