my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
