My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
