I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
