She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
