Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
