Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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