So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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