the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
