Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
