I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
