Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
