Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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