I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
