cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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