at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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