My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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